s2309: (heart)
[personal profile] s2309
According to a very beautiful person on AO3, and confirmed by Sheikh Google, yesterday (day before yesterday? it's technically past midnight for me) was Suicide Awareness Day. And, since I'm in a stable enough headspace to talk about it, you get... me talking about it.

(that's a spoiler and not a cut tag because I want people with the new LJ to still be able to see the TW)

Over the past few years, I've been suicidal on and off, I've thought about killing myself on and off, I've sat on rooftops/balconies many times, I've had access to enough antidepressants to off myself and seriously contemplated taking them once.

I'm going to speak only for myself because I know very well that not everyone experiences depression the same way

What people don't seem to understand about my headspace when I'm there, on that roof, with those strips of pills in my hands, is that I am absolutely convinced that me being dead is honestly the best way forward for everyone. I know that there are people who will be hurt if I die, but I weigh that against the constant barrage of inconveniences and pain that my continued existence inflicts on them every day, and the balance tilts in favour of suicide.

What's more, it doesn't even feel like the people who are still around me will bother with caring too much. Being on the edge of suicide is horrible loneliness combined with this strange conviction that this is the right thing to do.

Yeah, it's a real mindfuck.


Today and now, I'm on medication that helps keep me okay. I'm in a stressful educational environment, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm away from my family and I don't miss them and I think they don't miss me either, but that doesn't make me sad, that's just growing up. I have a roommate, several acquaintances, excellent professors and teaching fellows, a few very kind relatives, and a therapist.

I'm okay.

It feels like a fucking miracle, let me tell you. I'm so scared I'll do something and then be forced to sit around and watch as it all crumbles, but for now, like this, I'm okay.

Let this last, god, and I might even believe in you.

Date: 2016-09-11 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] turtlebaby-02.livejournal.com
I've been suicidal on and off since I was about 13. I've never attempted, the closest I've gotten was loading a shotgun. Oddly, it was the idea of my parents cleaning up the mess that stopped me. By the time I'd driven myself to a field, I had talked myself down.

There's more, obviously, but even when I know that someone gets it, it's hard to describe what sitting on the edge of a knife feels like. It's always there, even when I'm ok, it's there like a friendly reminder that there's a way out. Maybe I'm not as ok as I think I am. I don't know, I feel ok. There's zero chance of me hurting myself in the near future. Anyway.

What I'm trying unsuccessfully to say is that I get it and thank you for sharing, I know how hard that can be too.

I'm glad you're ok, friend. And I hope you stay that way. <3

Date: 2016-09-18 09:28 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
I haven't seen you around in a while, and I have to admit, I was a little worried. *hugs*

I know that feeling - it's the same with me and balconies.

I hope so too. And I hope you join me, if you aren't already there.

Date: 2016-09-21 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] turtlebaby-02.livejournal.com
Yeah, hey, don't worry about me. I've got some super scary health things going on right now and, atm, nobody is more supportive of my continued breathing than me. :/

Not the happiest I've ever been but nothing quite stops the wanting to die vibe like someone telling you that you will. I'm dealing. I'm ok.*hugs*

I'm also blunt and a little angry and blurting out that I'm dying is literally how I've been telling people. So... sorry. :(

And for your curiosity, stage 4 cancer. Manageable, not cureable, livable, not survivalable. Anyway. That's all.

Date: 2016-09-21 08:24 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
*hugs you tight*

If you ever need an ear, or a virtual hug, or anything I can give, I'm here. Honest.

You have my email ID, yes?

Also, would you like me to f-lock this entry for the sake of your privacy?

Date: 2016-09-21 09:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] turtlebaby-02.livejournal.com
Yes, I have your email. And I'm really ok. Acceptance is part of the game and I'm getting there.

Don't feel the need to f-lock, I really am ok. It's not like dying gets to be a private thing. And I'd rather people know, you know?

I'm not dying yet. I don't have a timer over my head at this point or anything. It's under control as well as it can be, but it's a waiting game, there's a 100% chance of it returning and then we go from there. So yeah, it's scary. I could have another 50 years with it hanging over my head, or I could have 1. It's my path to walk and I'm taking it in stride with as much grace as I can. Somehow balancing being an optimist with being a realist.

Anyway, I'm unloading on you and you, friend, do not need that. That's why I pay my therapist. ;)

Date: 2016-09-21 10:15 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
I believe you when you say that you're ok. I just want to be there for you anyways.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I was once told (and I agree) that being either optimistically realistic or pessimistically idealistic were the only two ideological standpoints that made sense from a practical perspective (Goddamned college and all the big words I'm imbibing). So, theoretically, it shouldn't be too impossible.

It's a privilege to have you unload on me, believe me. And you're probably right when you say I don't need it, but I am definitely right when I say I want to hear it. You should always have someone who can just listen.

Date: 2016-09-11 09:28 pm (UTC)
sherylyn: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sherylyn
I'm so glad you're doing better, and I hope you continue to do so!! Depression is just a horrible, horrible thing, and one of the worst things about it is just exactly what you were talking about: how terribly much it isolates a person and just make it seem like it makes "sense" for them to not be here any more. Even if you know, logically, that others have dealt with similar things, or that people really do care about you and want you here, the logic can't outweigh, at the time, how deeply alone a person feels, right along with that "they'd truly be better off without me" aspect. I'm so thankful you got past that, and I hope it never gets that bad again!! <3

Date: 2016-09-18 09:41 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
I can't say for sure, but I can always hope.

(Oddly enough, I feel weird when you call depression horrible. By this point, it feels like a part of me, non-negotiable, lying dormant. I can't call it horrible, I can't wish it away, I can just isolate and medicate, I suppose.)

Thank you <3

Date: 2016-09-11 09:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sheenianni.livejournal.com
High school was not a good time for me. I think I was about fourteen when it got to the point I considered suicide. I was sitting on the floor of my room crying, holding a knife to my wrist and just wanted to get away from it all. Two things stopped me - one, I knew that even though everything felt terrible, my family loved me and I couldn't do it to them; and two, the knife felt like an option, a way out that I could take at any point at a later date, so I wasn't completely trapped. (It made sense back then.)

I've been well the past ten years - I think aikido helped me tremenously in that regard (I need it like breathing. It just fixes me.). The last time I contemplated hurting myself was after I came out to my parents, and it went away quickly. Unless something drastic happens, I don't see myself getting to that point again.

Obviously I only experienced a glimpse of what you struggle with. I'm very happy that you're feeling good now. I hope college works out great for you. I hope you continue to feel okay, and if you ever need us, don't hesitate to reach out.

Date: 2016-09-18 09:46 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
Oh, darling *hugs* High school is a really tough experience for a lot of people. I'd know - I just got out c: I hope those memories weigh less now.

Hey, no. You were suffering. Suffering is all the same. You can't put a ruler to pain, it doesn't work that way. Your pain is the same as mine. Doctors can triage physical pain, but it doesn't work the same with this. (A very beautiful girl I loved once taught me that.)

I'm really glad you've found something that helps.

Date: 2016-09-12 01:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aragarna.livejournal.com
I am so glad that you're feeling okay now. I know it's not an easy thing to achieve.
I'm also glad that you feel confident enough to talk about it.
Big hugs to you.

And if you ever need to talk, never hesitate to reach out. I'm sure there are plenty of people you'd reach out to before me, but in any case, if ever you need to, there's always someone for you.

Date: 2016-09-18 09:46 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
Thank you so much <3 I'll remember that.

Date: 2016-09-12 06:47 am (UTC)
nywcgirl: (Default)
From: [personal profile] nywcgirl
I think and know that it is difficult to understand those feelings for people who never had them (like myself) but know that we are here to listen.

Date: 2016-09-18 09:47 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
Thank you so much :3 That's always great to know.

Date: 2016-09-12 10:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] treonb.livejournal.com
I'm glad you're okay for now.

I don't know what it's like to be suicidal, but I have a good friend who was. She's an elderly lady, whose husband passed away suddenly, after many years of a very happy marriage. She fell into a serious depression, and she told me several times that she can't take it anymore.

She's a doctor, and so one day she parked somewhere and overdosed on something, and that could have been the end, except that she was discovered in time. And since then she found a way to live on and she has a very fulfilling life now, though she still misses her husband.

She told me she was suffering, and I did not know how to help her, but I would have missed her terribly if she would have succeeded.

Date: 2016-09-18 09:48 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
I don't know what your friend was going through, but I'm sure you being there was a great help in itself.

*hugs you tight*

Date: 2016-09-15 05:31 am (UTC)
sholio: Peggy and Angie from Agent Carter hugging (Avengers-Peggy Angie hug)
From: [personal profile] sholio
{{{{hugs}}}}

I'm so glad you're feeling okay right now. ♥ ♥ ♥ I've been there and it did get better for me, so I hope it keeps getting better for you.

Date: 2016-09-18 09:48 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
*hugs*

I hope so too.

Date: 2016-09-15 08:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sallymn.livejournal.com
I admit, I have been lucky and never been there, so won't pretend an insight I don't have... but I have known people in a dark place, and I feel for you, and am so glad you are currently okay....

Date: 2016-09-18 09:49 pm (UTC)
sapphire2309: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sapphire2309
Thank you so much. This means a lot in itself.

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