s2309: (heart)
I know I've been babbling a lot here about my own life and not enough about White Collar (even though I've been thinking of White Collar, quite a lot), but here's one more post (hopefully one of the last) before we finally go back to our (ir)regularly scheduled programme.

everybody here has seams and scars. so what? level up )
s2309: (heart)
On October 20th, 2015, a friend of mine died. I knew him for only two months, but he was one of the kindest people he knew and I valued him greatly.

Today, I realised that the painted bottle he gifted me for my birthday was missing from my living room, and also that the one voice message I had of his (in which he talked about Mojo Jojo, the sweetheart), was locked on a phone whose data I couldn't access. And for the first time since he died, I really, truly missed his presence.

If I thought I was mad at Neal before...

I left off my series of S6 finale tags (I had more planned). If I start them again now, I will tear into Neal perhaps worse than he deserves. Because I've spent the past couple of hours crying, hiccoughing to a stop, and crying some more. Because for one of those two hours, I couldn't understand how the world would get back to normal again after this much pain. To hurt someone like that, intentionally, without cause, without consideration, is too cruel for words.

My nana (maternal grandfather) is really unwell and feeble. He's not going to live much longer. Someday, I'll have this moment where I realise that he's really gone.

No one should be forced to have that moment twice. Ever. Just, no. It's too painful.
s2309: (Alex 01)
Thank you all for your comments on my previous post (leave any further responses you may have under that post, please). I don't plan on ignoring them, I just need more time and energy to give them the thoughtful response they deserve - I've been unwell for the past 6-7 days and it's sapping my energy. Also, it's not a good idea for me to let my mind go there in this state - talking myself down from a ledge requires as much energy as anything else, and I tend to be a little more susceptible to braincrap when tired.

Thanks for understanding c:
s2309: (heart)
According to a very beautiful person on AO3, and confirmed by Sheikh Google, yesterday (day before yesterday? it's technically past midnight for me) was Suicide Awareness Day. And, since I'm in a stable enough headspace to talk about it, you get... me talking about it.

(that's a spoiler and not a cut tag because I want people with the new LJ to still be able to see the TW)

Over the past few years, I've been suicidal on and off, I've thought about killing myself on and off, I've sat on rooftops/balconies many times, I've had access to enough antidepressants to off myself and seriously contemplated taking them once.

I'm going to speak only for myself because I know very well that not everyone experiences depression the same way

What people don't seem to understand about my headspace when I'm there, on that roof, with those strips of pills in my hands, is that I am absolutely convinced that me being dead is honestly the best way forward for everyone. I know that there are people who will be hurt if I die, but I weigh that against the constant barrage of inconveniences and pain that my continued existence inflicts on them every day, and the balance tilts in favour of suicide.

What's more, it doesn't even feel like the people who are still around me will bother with caring too much. Being on the edge of suicide is horrible loneliness combined with this strange conviction that this is the right thing to do.

Yeah, it's a real mindfuck.


Today and now, I'm on medication that helps keep me okay. I'm in a stressful educational environment, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm away from my family and I don't miss them and I think they don't miss me either, but that doesn't make me sad, that's just growing up. I have a roommate, several acquaintances, excellent professors and teaching fellows, a few very kind relatives, and a therapist.

I'm okay.

It feels like a fucking miracle, let me tell you. I'm so scared I'll do something and then be forced to sit around and watch as it all crumbles, but for now, like this, I'm okay.

Let this last, god, and I might even believe in you.
s2309: (sapphire)
So I've been watching the news coverage of the earthquake and the various aftershocks on Al-Jazeera (the conversation about why I will not tolerate Indian news media is neither for this time nor this place), and I felt like there was pretty much nothing I personally could do to help, till sinfulslasher, and then more amazing people, posted about fandomaid. So I made a fic offer. And then I didn't post here immediately, because sporadic internet access, and I listed fandoms I've never written in before so that I'd have a better chance at someone wanting fic by me, so there's only one spot left on my entry. Sorry about that. But yeah. This is a thing I'm doing.
s2309: (Sapphire)
I have major exams coming up, because of which I am abstaining from internet as much as possible. I will likely be scarce till June 9th (unless I've overestimated my self control).

If you see me anywhere on LJ, or in your Gmail sidebar (*nudge* [livejournal.com profile] reve_silencieux *cough*), please, PLEASE, kick my ass. I really *do* want to do well, despite multiple signs indicating the exact opposite.

If I manage to find the time, I'll probably write and post the remaining drabbles for the drabble meme (excellent timing I have), but otherwise, I won't show. Or, at least, I'll try not to. Fic is such an amazing stress reliever.....

No. No internet.

Who am I kidding? But seriously. Kick my ass if you see me.

January 2017

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