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When All Else In You Turns And Runs, a White Collar fanfiction
Title: When All Else In You Turns And Runs
Characters (Pairings): Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke, Diana Berrigan
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~1850
Warning/Content Note: Presumed dead [not a spoiler]
Disclaimer: White Collar is Jeff Eastin’s brainchild. Not mine.
Prompt: Because the myth is not supposed to retire / We'd rather it lit itself on fire / Or overdosed in a four star hotel
Summary: Neal has to leave New York. He absolutely cannot stay.
Author’s Note: Set post-anklet. The prompt and the title are both from Vienna Teng's Love Turns 40.
For Challenge 24 - August Table of Doom - at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
writerverse
I feel like you should know that words aren't coming all that easily to me. I'm struggling against them, for the most part. And I have this weird block about posting writing as of late. But this fic happened relatively easily, and I want to share :)
ETA - OMG, you guys!![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kanarek13 made me art for this fic!! And it's beautiful! Look :D
Neal's a bit of a legend. As much as Peter tries to play it down, he knows that, it's true. He still notices people shooting him curious glances that are carefully averted when he turns around. Cons. He's still talked about, his heists and cons are still as brilliant as they were fifteen years ago. It's surprising, but not entirely unexpected.
He panders to this fan club - of course he does - with card tricks and fast talk. Nothing illegal. But just enough to let people know that he's more than capable of returning to the glory days of chocolate forgeries and carrier pigeons.
When even that is taken from him, when card tricks become a distant dream and sleight of hand becomes impossible, he has to leave.
He absolutely cannot stay.
He quickly puts together a go-bag. Stupid, stupid, to think that he'd ever be done running, that he could ever actually settle down. He should have been prepared for this. But he isn't. And it's all too fast, and there are so many people he wants to say goodbye to, but if this is going to work, if people are going to believe that he's dead, that he went with a bang, he can't wait for even a second.
He makes a few strategic phone calls, sets a rumour mill going. He gets himself a flight out of the country. To Paris. He's going to Paris. It's the obvious choice, it's the first place people would look for him, but he hasn't got the FBI on his tail anymore. And if he's discreet, even Moz won't be able to find him.
Paris sounds nice.
The rumour mill works better than Neal could have anticipated. By the next morning, there's wildly conflicting reports - Neal was brutally murdered by someone with a grudge, he pulled the cord too late while BASE jumping, he impaled himself on his latest art project.
The FBI hears all of them.
Peter is the first person Diana calls. He isn't in the office yet, he's probably on his way up by now, but this can't wait, not even for two minutes.
She steps into the empty elevator, digs out her phone and makes the call.
"Neal might be dead," she says, as soon as he answers. If she lingers over it, she might break down herself.
"No. No." Peter sounds bewildered. That makes sense, she thinks absently. This was completely unexpected.
"His cell phone's unreachable. No one's seen him since he left yesterday. There's a rumour mill going, that can't have started out of thin air. And he’s late. He’s never late." The last point is probably the most convincing.
"Neal's not dead. Neal can't be dead." She can almost hear Peter working out the possibilities, pushing and shoving the variables till they're all in a neat row that says Neal's alive. "Maybe... he faked his death. Maybe someone from his past found him, maybe he needed to leave. Maybe..." Peter talks on.
Diana lets him. She wants to believe it herself. That it's just a joke, that Neal's going to laugh at them, that's he's alive, but she steels herself and finally says, "Boss."
Peter stops.
"There's more." She doesn’t want to say the rest. "A body was found washed up on the bank of the East River. Severe burns across the body, they don't have fingerprints. But they ran his face through the software and it was a partial match for Neal's."
"Oh god," Peter says hoarsely.
Okay, she thinks. That’s done. "I'm leaving right now, for the morgue, to see if I can ID him. I thought I- you shouldn't have to do that."
The line goes quiet.
She doesn’t look for things to say. She hardly believes any of this herself.
There's nothing to say, nothing that could bring some sense to this day.
"I'll check June's studio," Peter says like he doesn’t really think it’ll make a difference.
She nods and hangs up.
She's driven halfway to the morgue when she realizes that she ended the phone call quite unceremoniously.
Peter can't shake the belief that Neal would have left something behind, even if he’d fled, just to let them know that he’s still alive.
He has to believe it.
He lingers pointlessly at the door before finally opening it.
"Neal," he sees, he says, like a sigh of relief.
Neal's right there, at the head of the table, staring at a duffel bag. He hasn't turned to face him - that should be a warning; Neal always knows when Peter's on his way up. But after really, truly considering the possibility that Neal was gone (not dead, never dead), he's so relieved to see him that he doesn't notice that Neal's not okay, not till he finally starts talking.
"I couldn't," Neal says. "I was going to leave, and I couldn't."
Neal doesn’t turn around. Instead, he holds out his hand and flexes the muscles, then relaxes them, slowly, rhythmically, and Peter’s so caught in that simple movement that he forgets that he’s standing in a doorway, forgets why he’s there, forgets everything, till Neal’s hand starts to shake.
Neal doesn't try to hide it. Doesn't ball his right hand into a fist and absorb the tremor with his left. Just holds his hand out in Peter’s general direction and doesn't try to stop the shaking. He knows too well that the tremor won't stop because he wants it to.
"They thought it was Parkinson's. But it's just... an essential tremor." He lets his hand drop to his side and shakes his head. "An essential tremor," he says again, slowly. "I can't draw, I can't write, I'm five steps away from not being able to use a fork.” He pauses to breathe. “But it's essential!" he says brightly.
Neal forces air out of his lungs because if he stops breathing, he'll start crying. It's a laugh, it's a cough, it's something, some emotion, making its way out. He's glad. It's better than staring at a duffel bag that has everything he needs but nothing he wants.
"You're still here," he says carefully, because it could be the wrong thing to say, it could hurt Neal even worse, but Peter needs to feel those words, needs to reassure himself first.
"I wish I'd left." Neal turns to the balcony.
Peter doesn’t try to approach Neal. He knows himself well. He needs to wait till he has a vague idea of what to do, or else he’ll trip over himself and things will be worse than they were. So he waits.
When Neal starts talking again, his voice is surprisingly steady. "I can't forge anything now. I can't do anything that involves using my hand, and everything I do involves using my hand. I don't know what to do without- I need my hand." Neal finally turns and looks at Peter. His eyes are wild, afraid, terrified.
He's boxed into a corner that makes him want to set everything on fire and run from the blaze, but he's still here. He's still here. And Peter can't ignore that, can't write that off as an easy feat. Neal wanted to run, he could have, should have run, but he didn't.
He steps closer to Neal, reaches for his hand, holds it in both his own and says, "You can still feel that." He feels Neal’s nails dig into his palm, but he doesn’t flinch, doesn’t let go. He looks Neal straight in the eye and tries to say, I'm right here, I'll help you, but he’s still shooting in the dark. "You can still use your mind," he says, and it feels like the right thing to say, so he lets that hang comfortably in the air for a moment before he says it again, "You can still use your mind," like a lifeline, like a promise. “You can still think,” a variation, because repetition can get boring, or something like that. “You’re still brilliant.”
Neal’s letting him do this, he can see that. Neal’s jaw is strained and he isn’t quite making eye contact, but he’s permitting this, and Peter’s thankful for that.
"What if that isn't enough?" Neal finally says. His voice cracks slightly. He looks straight at Peter, breathing like he’s in pain, he is in pain.
"Then we'll figure something out.”
Neal tries to nod, but the nod somehow morphs into a violent shudder. He turns away, hides.
Peter doesn’t let him. He pulls Neal closer, hugs him, no, engulfs him, lets him disappear for a moment. He doesn’t let go, not for a while, because Neal will never admit it but he’s crying into Peter’s shoulder, shaking in his arms (this can't be the tremor, this isn't the tremor), he needs to feel safe, and Peter can’t deny him that.
Neal doesn’t pull away from Peter. Somehow, this is an acceptable substitute to hiding. He doesn’t overthink it, he has to focus on breathing and controlling the shivers coursing through his body (that’s not the tremor, the tremor’s only in his hand, the rest of his body’s still his own, thankfully).
Eventually, once he’s steadier, he lets go, steps back awkwardly. There are still tear tracks on his face, probably, but once they’re gone he’ll look fine.
He shoots a half smile at Peter, wipes his face on his sleeve, and heads out to the balcony.
Peter follows. “Do you want to leave?” he asks.
Neal turns to him, mildly surprised.
“You said you wished you’d left. Do you want to leave? Because I can cover for you. Or, try to. If this is something you need.” Peter’s phone rings. They both ignore it. “Neal.”
“No. I’ll stay.”
It isn’t difficult, the decision. He’s here, he hasn’t left yet, and Peter can’t keep something this big from Elizabeth, not without her finding out anyway.
Also, he might possibly want to stay.
Peter takes one look at his phone and sets it on speaker. Neal briefly catches Diana’s voice, “It’s not Neal,” but Peter cuts her off too quickly – “Neal’s here.”
“Hey, Diana,” he says weakly.
There’s a brief pause.
“I’m burying you in cold cases for the next month.”
Neal laughs, really laughs, he isn’t disguising anything at all this time. Peter purposefully moves away to talk to Diana, but it probably doesn’t help. He laughs, too much, far too much, and it feels good, it makes him lighter. By the time Peter’s off the phone, Neal’s leaning against the wall, laughter dissolved into hiccups, breathing a little harder than is usual.
“You’re okay,” Peter says.
“I’m okay,” Neal agrees. “For now,” he says more soberly.
“Hey.” Peter shifts so he’s leaning against the piece of wall next to him. “We’ll figure this out.”
“Yeah.”
And somehow, all the silly little things that mattered so much earlier don’t make a difference. He doesn’t care how the young street cons see him. He’s got his family. They’ll help. They’ll bury him in paperwork.
Characters (Pairings): Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke, Diana Berrigan
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~1850
Warning/Content Note: Presumed dead [not a spoiler]
Disclaimer: White Collar is Jeff Eastin’s brainchild. Not mine.
Prompt: Because the myth is not supposed to retire / We'd rather it lit itself on fire / Or overdosed in a four star hotel
Summary: Neal has to leave New York. He absolutely cannot stay.
Author’s Note: Set post-anklet. The prompt and the title are both from Vienna Teng's Love Turns 40.
For Challenge 24 - August Table of Doom - at
writerverseI feel like you should know that words aren't coming all that easily to me. I'm struggling against them, for the most part. And I have this weird block about posting writing as of late. But this fic happened relatively easily, and I want to share :)
ETA - OMG, you guys!
kanarek13 made me art for this fic!! And it's beautiful! Look :D-:-
Neal's a bit of a legend. As much as Peter tries to play it down, he knows that, it's true. He still notices people shooting him curious glances that are carefully averted when he turns around. Cons. He's still talked about, his heists and cons are still as brilliant as they were fifteen years ago. It's surprising, but not entirely unexpected.
He panders to this fan club - of course he does - with card tricks and fast talk. Nothing illegal. But just enough to let people know that he's more than capable of returning to the glory days of chocolate forgeries and carrier pigeons.
When even that is taken from him, when card tricks become a distant dream and sleight of hand becomes impossible, he has to leave.
He absolutely cannot stay.
He quickly puts together a go-bag. Stupid, stupid, to think that he'd ever be done running, that he could ever actually settle down. He should have been prepared for this. But he isn't. And it's all too fast, and there are so many people he wants to say goodbye to, but if this is going to work, if people are going to believe that he's dead, that he went with a bang, he can't wait for even a second.
He makes a few strategic phone calls, sets a rumour mill going. He gets himself a flight out of the country. To Paris. He's going to Paris. It's the obvious choice, it's the first place people would look for him, but he hasn't got the FBI on his tail anymore. And if he's discreet, even Moz won't be able to find him.
Paris sounds nice.
-:-
The rumour mill works better than Neal could have anticipated. By the next morning, there's wildly conflicting reports - Neal was brutally murdered by someone with a grudge, he pulled the cord too late while BASE jumping, he impaled himself on his latest art project.
The FBI hears all of them.
-:-
Peter is the first person Diana calls. He isn't in the office yet, he's probably on his way up by now, but this can't wait, not even for two minutes.
She steps into the empty elevator, digs out her phone and makes the call.
"Neal might be dead," she says, as soon as he answers. If she lingers over it, she might break down herself.
"No. No." Peter sounds bewildered. That makes sense, she thinks absently. This was completely unexpected.
"His cell phone's unreachable. No one's seen him since he left yesterday. There's a rumour mill going, that can't have started out of thin air. And he’s late. He’s never late." The last point is probably the most convincing.
"Neal's not dead. Neal can't be dead." She can almost hear Peter working out the possibilities, pushing and shoving the variables till they're all in a neat row that says Neal's alive. "Maybe... he faked his death. Maybe someone from his past found him, maybe he needed to leave. Maybe..." Peter talks on.
Diana lets him. She wants to believe it herself. That it's just a joke, that Neal's going to laugh at them, that's he's alive, but she steels herself and finally says, "Boss."
Peter stops.
"There's more." She doesn’t want to say the rest. "A body was found washed up on the bank of the East River. Severe burns across the body, they don't have fingerprints. But they ran his face through the software and it was a partial match for Neal's."
"Oh god," Peter says hoarsely.
Okay, she thinks. That’s done. "I'm leaving right now, for the morgue, to see if I can ID him. I thought I- you shouldn't have to do that."
The line goes quiet.
She doesn’t look for things to say. She hardly believes any of this herself.
There's nothing to say, nothing that could bring some sense to this day.
"I'll check June's studio," Peter says like he doesn’t really think it’ll make a difference.
She nods and hangs up.
She's driven halfway to the morgue when she realizes that she ended the phone call quite unceremoniously.
-:-
Peter can't shake the belief that Neal would have left something behind, even if he’d fled, just to let them know that he’s still alive.
He has to believe it.
He lingers pointlessly at the door before finally opening it.
"Neal," he sees, he says, like a sigh of relief.
Neal's right there, at the head of the table, staring at a duffel bag. He hasn't turned to face him - that should be a warning; Neal always knows when Peter's on his way up. But after really, truly considering the possibility that Neal was gone (not dead, never dead), he's so relieved to see him that he doesn't notice that Neal's not okay, not till he finally starts talking.
"I couldn't," Neal says. "I was going to leave, and I couldn't."
Neal doesn’t turn around. Instead, he holds out his hand and flexes the muscles, then relaxes them, slowly, rhythmically, and Peter’s so caught in that simple movement that he forgets that he’s standing in a doorway, forgets why he’s there, forgets everything, till Neal’s hand starts to shake.
Neal doesn't try to hide it. Doesn't ball his right hand into a fist and absorb the tremor with his left. Just holds his hand out in Peter’s general direction and doesn't try to stop the shaking. He knows too well that the tremor won't stop because he wants it to.
"They thought it was Parkinson's. But it's just... an essential tremor." He lets his hand drop to his side and shakes his head. "An essential tremor," he says again, slowly. "I can't draw, I can't write, I'm five steps away from not being able to use a fork.” He pauses to breathe. “But it's essential!" he says brightly.
Neal forces air out of his lungs because if he stops breathing, he'll start crying. It's a laugh, it's a cough, it's something, some emotion, making its way out. He's glad. It's better than staring at a duffel bag that has everything he needs but nothing he wants.
"You're still here," he says carefully, because it could be the wrong thing to say, it could hurt Neal even worse, but Peter needs to feel those words, needs to reassure himself first.
"I wish I'd left." Neal turns to the balcony.
Peter doesn’t try to approach Neal. He knows himself well. He needs to wait till he has a vague idea of what to do, or else he’ll trip over himself and things will be worse than they were. So he waits.
When Neal starts talking again, his voice is surprisingly steady. "I can't forge anything now. I can't do anything that involves using my hand, and everything I do involves using my hand. I don't know what to do without- I need my hand." Neal finally turns and looks at Peter. His eyes are wild, afraid, terrified.
He's boxed into a corner that makes him want to set everything on fire and run from the blaze, but he's still here. He's still here. And Peter can't ignore that, can't write that off as an easy feat. Neal wanted to run, he could have, should have run, but he didn't.
He steps closer to Neal, reaches for his hand, holds it in both his own and says, "You can still feel that." He feels Neal’s nails dig into his palm, but he doesn’t flinch, doesn’t let go. He looks Neal straight in the eye and tries to say, I'm right here, I'll help you, but he’s still shooting in the dark. "You can still use your mind," he says, and it feels like the right thing to say, so he lets that hang comfortably in the air for a moment before he says it again, "You can still use your mind," like a lifeline, like a promise. “You can still think,” a variation, because repetition can get boring, or something like that. “You’re still brilliant.”
Neal’s letting him do this, he can see that. Neal’s jaw is strained and he isn’t quite making eye contact, but he’s permitting this, and Peter’s thankful for that.
"What if that isn't enough?" Neal finally says. His voice cracks slightly. He looks straight at Peter, breathing like he’s in pain, he is in pain.
"Then we'll figure something out.”
Neal tries to nod, but the nod somehow morphs into a violent shudder. He turns away, hides.
Peter doesn’t let him. He pulls Neal closer, hugs him, no, engulfs him, lets him disappear for a moment. He doesn’t let go, not for a while, because Neal will never admit it but he’s crying into Peter’s shoulder, shaking in his arms (this can't be the tremor, this isn't the tremor), he needs to feel safe, and Peter can’t deny him that.
-:-
Neal doesn’t pull away from Peter. Somehow, this is an acceptable substitute to hiding. He doesn’t overthink it, he has to focus on breathing and controlling the shivers coursing through his body (that’s not the tremor, the tremor’s only in his hand, the rest of his body’s still his own, thankfully).
Eventually, once he’s steadier, he lets go, steps back awkwardly. There are still tear tracks on his face, probably, but once they’re gone he’ll look fine.
He shoots a half smile at Peter, wipes his face on his sleeve, and heads out to the balcony.
Peter follows. “Do you want to leave?” he asks.
Neal turns to him, mildly surprised.
“You said you wished you’d left. Do you want to leave? Because I can cover for you. Or, try to. If this is something you need.” Peter’s phone rings. They both ignore it. “Neal.”
“No. I’ll stay.”
It isn’t difficult, the decision. He’s here, he hasn’t left yet, and Peter can’t keep something this big from Elizabeth, not without her finding out anyway.
Also, he might possibly want to stay.
Peter takes one look at his phone and sets it on speaker. Neal briefly catches Diana’s voice, “It’s not Neal,” but Peter cuts her off too quickly – “Neal’s here.”
“Hey, Diana,” he says weakly.
There’s a brief pause.
“I’m burying you in cold cases for the next month.”
Neal laughs, really laughs, he isn’t disguising anything at all this time. Peter purposefully moves away to talk to Diana, but it probably doesn’t help. He laughs, too much, far too much, and it feels good, it makes him lighter. By the time Peter’s off the phone, Neal’s leaning against the wall, laughter dissolved into hiccups, breathing a little harder than is usual.
“You’re okay,” Peter says.
“I’m okay,” Neal agrees. “For now,” he says more soberly.
“Hey.” Peter shifts so he’s leaning against the piece of wall next to him. “We’ll figure this out.”
“Yeah.”
And somehow, all the silly little things that mattered so much earlier don’t make a difference. He doesn’t care how the young street cons see him. He’s got his family. They’ll help. They’ll bury him in paperwork.
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Thanks for sharing.
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They will get through this. And Neal does have a lot of hard times ahead of him, but he will get through this and he will want to run (or at least hide) at times, but he'll find people to lean on. He's going to get through this.
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Poor Neal, can't imagine how hard it must be to lose the use of your hand, especially for someone like him. *hugs him*
Diana at the end cracked me up too! Oh yeah, she's going to bury him in paperwork alright!! And he'll whine and complain and love every minute of it!! :) :)
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Peter probably knows by now that he has to be a little careful in delicate situations, and him taking the time to think makes sense :D
He will :3
Thank you for reading!
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It starts small, you don't really realize that your handwriting's gone to shit, that you really aren't simply clumsy, that you can't eat soup in public. Then it's the bigger things, like not being able to focus a camera unless it weighs four pounds, or that people look at you weird and they think you're too excited about something.
You tremor may never get to be as bad as the ones the Katherine Hepburn had, but when you can't hold a pencil or your whole body trembles for no good reason, it's pretty damn awful.
Thank you, thank you and thank you again for writing this.
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I think Neal would notice the smaller things very quickly, though. So much of what he does is fine work with his hands, be it art or pickpocketing or lockpicking, and he'd notice even the slightest difference in his handwriting or in how the picks feel to him. And considering that even the small things would impact his life so much, I'm shuddering to think of what he'd go through if this progressed. I'm not at all sure that I'm equipped to write it.
Again, I am so glad you read the fic. This means a lot to me too.
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Poor Neal *hugs him*
Thank you for writing this :D
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He has a long road ahead of him, but he'll make it through :3
Thank you for reading!
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Thank you for writing this incredible story! Keep going!
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Peter was surprisingly indispensable in this story. Initially, it was all about Neal and his need to get out, but then somehow the fic morphed into Neal not being able to leave and Peter showing up at just the right time and really driving the story right to the end. He surprises me sometimes.
Neal's family will definitely be there for him. And they'll help him figure out something that works :3
Thanks again! :D
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But otherwise, you know how much I love your angst. I just want to hug Neal. It made sense in his head to just run away, but he couldn't - not from Peter and everyone. I'm glad he couldn't go through with it.
And yay! You're writing!!
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I do, reve :) And yeah, me too. He couldn't just leave everything behind - he stayed after the anklet came off (in this au) and that must have been a factor that stopped him from leaving. Or, well, I don't know (even though it's my fic, lol) and I'm just shooting in the dark here :P
Yes!! I am!! :DDD
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This is amazing - thank you for sharing!
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Thank you for reading!! :D
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And yay writing! I know words is hard for you lately so I'm glad you found some happy space with this and shared it with us. I've missed your stuff! And I'm an angst hound so, well, that never ever hurts.
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I love writing Diana! I'm afraid I neglect Jones in the bargain, but Diana's so much fun to write that she usually shoves her way in when I need a third between Peter and Neal :D
OMG, yes. Neal needed that. He may not have seemed like he did, given that he was only mildly surprised, but he just came off a good cry and I'm so glad that Peter offered because Neal needed that option, that choice.
Awww, thank you so much!!
Yeah, words has been really hard. But I've finally drifted back to the shorter fics, and actually been able to keep them short, and this is so much easier to think of and write than longer stuff, it's amazing. I'd say that I should abandon all my dreams of longfic, but I love my ideas too damn much :P
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I'm glad Neal waited around long enough to see that. (I have about as much control over my stories as you do, which is to say none at all :P)
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Thank you for sharing this!
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I'm glad Peter was there too. It wasn't going to turn out that way initially, but I'm glad the characters changed my mind.
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"Peter doesn’t try to approach Neal. He knows himself well. He needs to wait till he has a vague idea of what to do, or else he’ll trip over himself and things will be worse than they were. So he waits."
Poor Neal!! It was so heartbreaking to see him explain to Peter about why he felt the need to leave and how he just couldn't do it.
I am glad at the end Neal realized that he has family and that he doesn't have to go through this alone. : )
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Thank you :3
Me too.
Thank you so much for reading!! :DD
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I'm glad he didn't run and that Peter was there for him.
The humor at the end, with Diana, was perfect! :-)
Great story!
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Me too.
That was totally unexpected, I didn't plan that. Glad it worked!
Thank you so much!! :DD
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♥ ♥ ♥
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She definitely will.
Thank you so much!!