Interview with Sara Ellis.

[s2309]

I interviewed Sara Ellis for Womenverse's Challenge #5 - Interview. I could have stopped at 20 questions, but I kept answering questions and ended up at like 53. Ah well.

Core questions taken from the 'Twenty Questions' and 'Gloves Off' sections on this page. Follow ups were made up on the spot. Some of the answers are direct quotes from various episodes - I didn't think anything else would fit.

This interview has spoilers up to and including the Season 4 finale of White Collar. Set in Sara's office in London, a short while after the events of the season finale (no more than six weeks). There are multiple references to Neal. This is the only time I used his name.

Total word count is about 1350.

Part of the Amis Amants 'verse. For more in this verse, click here.

aragarna made art for this fic! See it below :D

[the recorder is switched on.]

Shall we get started, Ms. Ellis?

Of course.

What impression do you make on people when they first meet you?

I come off as a little bitchy. As does any woman who goes after what she wants and makes no apologies for it, I suppose. I mean, I’m sure there’s a more ladylike way to manage an office full of insurance investigators, but I don’t know what it is. I’m aggressive. And that shows.

How about after they’ve known you for a while?

I don’t usually let people that close. I still come off as aggressive, but once people know me, they, well, know me.

If you had a free day with no responsibilities and your only mission was to enjoy yourself, what would you do?

I don’t have free days.

That’s not possible.

I have vacation days, but I never take them. I like my job. I've been told I'm a workaholic.

Pretend it’s a hypothetical question.

All right… no, I don’t know.

There has to be something.

[silence]

Someone?

Someone.

Would you like to tell me about them?

[short pause] No.

What in your life are you most proud of?

Recovering Raphael’s St. George and the Dragon. It was quite an experience.

What about on a personal level?

The recovery of the Raphael was incredibly personal.

How so?

I’m afraid I can’t answer that. I might implicate myself, and I assume this is going to be published somewhere?

Okay, let’s move on. [brief pause] What are you most ashamed of in your life?

I don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of embarrassing moments, but I’m not ashamed of any of them. I stand by everything I’ve done. Well, almost everything. There were a few ill-advised moments through college and early on in my career, but nothing shameful.

What would you like your tombstone to say?

She was true to herself.

What are you most afraid of?

Not being significant. Not leaving my mark behind. Not making a difference. Just the idea of it pisses me off.

What’s the most important thing in your life? What do you value most?

The grey areas. The parts that aren’t quite the truth, but aren’t lies either. The grey areas are rich with excitement, intrigue and dumpster diving.

What do you like best about yourself?

I know what I want, and I do my best to get it.

Least?

I’m too cynical sometimes.

Do you think you’ve turned out the way your parents expected?

I think so. I’m doing what I want to, I’m enjoying it, I have some friends. That’s all they’d ever wanted for me.

I’m sorry to interject, but am I correct in noting that you used the past tense for your parents?

Yes.

So they’re…?

Deceased.

Do you have any living family members?

Possibly, but not probably.

Could you explain that?

…Can we move on?

Of course. [brief pause] What do you believe about God?

I would like to believe in God. It would be so much easier – God’s the perfect scapegoat. But I’m afraid I’m a little too logical for that. As far as beliefs go, I believe that people are made responsible for their actions eventually – I’m not speaking strictly in a legal sense here, nor am I referring to karma. I also believe that allowing someone to influence your life or to cause any kind of damage to your sense of self is the greatest crime you could commit.

Describe your ideal mate.

Smart. Sophisticated. Ambitious. Not pretentious. Honest, when it counts.

Have you considered that your ambitions might clash?

I have. It’s such a wonderful experience. It’s painful, of course, but it's honest at the same time.

What’s your idea of a good marriage?

A marriage of equals. A marriage with no secrets or lies that could destroy it – other secrets are perfectly fine, other lies are not. A marriage with no kids – one of us would have to stay home, sex would become covert and rare, and that wouldn’t be any fun at all.

Do you think that’ll happen in your life?

I used to think it would.

Not anymore?

I've stopped believing in fairytales. It could still happen, but it would be an uphill battle. And I’m a little combat-weary.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to someone?

Left them behind.

Why?

Because it was necessary. Because I can’t live with secrets and lies. Because I lived on West 69th.

What about West 69th made you leave them behind?

It was on the ground.

Is there anything you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done?

I would like to go back to New York.

What would happen if you did?

I imagine that I would be loved. I don’t know if I’d be happy – I love my job very much and I don’t know where I’d be without it – but… I think, just maybe, I would have love.

Why don’t you?

The world keeps turning. Nothing is certain. And I’m fairly sure that I don’t want to know for certain whether I would really have the love I have in mind.

What’s the worst thing that’s happened in your life?

[long pause] My older sister ran away when I was thirteen.

What did you learn from it?

Things get stolen, and people go away. Most of the time, you don’t get them back. [pause] That’s another reason I don’t want to go to New York. I’ve never believed in third time lucky, either.

Third time lucky?

I left my love once. Then I came back. Then I lost my love, then he came back. Then I left, then I went back. And even though we still worked, it wasn’t quite the same. I don’t want to know what the fourth time will be like. Presumably, it’ll hurt.

What do you like best about him?

At the risk of sounding shallow, his smile. His real smile. It’s beautiful.

Least?

His smile. His made-of-paper-and-tape-and-glue smile. He hides parts of himself away behind it. It hurts to watch him lie to himself like that.

Even though we hope they’ll never do it, for now just pretend it could happen: What’s the worst thing your love could do to you?

He could con me.

Why would that be so bad?

I loathe lies.

Why would you deserve it?

I’d deserve it if I was dishonest.

What’s the worst thing you could do to him?

Tell him the truth.

Why would he deserve it?

I wouldn’t say ‘deserve’, but he’d need it if he was so deep in the lies he tells himself that he couldn’t see the truth anymore.

Why on earth do you want a relationship with this person?

Because he knows me. He can see right through me. And he could annihilate me if he wanted to, but he hasn’t yet.

Why haven’t you given up on him already?

Because he’s addictive. There’s a certain high that comes from skimming the ground, not quite touching him, trying to float like he does. I can’t let go of it. I can’t have all of it.

Assuming it would hurt, why would it hurt?

Because we know the best ways to hurt each other. Because we could tear each other apart very easily. Because we’re very similar. Because I'm still dealing with the withdrawal symptoms.

What does this person give you that nobody else ever has?

A taste of the clouds. A chance to believe that the world’s a decent place. Love.

What do you give them that nobody else ever has?

Adventures that don’t land you in jail. Simplicity, to an extent. Total happiness. Love.

What do you want?

More time. A do-over. A chance to fix mistakes before they happen.

Say you’re using someone for something…what would it be?

Sex.

What are they using you for?

The same.

How do you feel about that?

Thankful. I’ve had my share of love. I want simple, straightforward, pain-free sex.