Suicide Awareness Day, 10th September.

[s2309]

According to a very beautiful person on AO3, and confirmed by Sheikh Google, yesterday (day before yesterday? it's technically past midnight for me) was Suicide Awareness Day. And, since I'm in a stable enough headspace to talk about it, you get... me talking about it.

(that's a spoiler and not a cut tag because I want people with the new LJ to still be able to see the TW)

Over the past few years, I've been suicidal on and off, I've thought about killing myself on and off, I've sat on rooftops/balconies many times, I've had access to enough antidepressants to off myself and seriously contemplated taking them once.

I'm going to speak only for myself because I know very well that not everyone experiences depression the same way

What people don't seem to understand about my headspace when I'm there, on that roof, with those strips of pills in my hands, is that I am absolutely convinced that me being dead is honestly the best way forward for everyone. I know that there are people who will be hurt if I die, but I weigh that against the constant barrage of inconveniences and pain that my continued existence inflicts on them every day, and the balance tilts in favour of suicide.

What's more, it doesn't even feel like the people who are still around me will bother with caring too much. Being on the edge of suicide is horrible loneliness combined with this strange conviction that this is the right thing to do.

Yeah, it's a real mindfuck.

Today and now, I'm on medication that helps keep me okay. I'm in a stressful educational environment, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm away from my family and I don't miss them and I think they don't miss me either, but that doesn't make me sad, that's just growing up. I have a roommate, several acquaintances, excellent professors and teaching fellows, a few very kind relatives, and a therapist.

I'm okay.

It feels like a fucking miracle, let me tell you. I'm so scared I'll do something and then be forced to sit around and watch as it all crumbles, but for now, like this, I'm okay.

Let this last, god, and I might even believe in you.

Comments

[sheenianni.livejournal.com]

High school was not a good time for me. I think I was about fourteen when it got to the point I considered suicide. I was sitting on the floor of my room crying, holding a knife to my wrist and just wanted to get away from it all. Two things stopped me - one, I knew that even though everything felt terrible, my family loved me and I couldn't do it to them; and two, the knife felt like an option, a way out that I could take at any point at a later date, so I wasn't completely trapped. (It made sense back then.)

I've been well the past ten years - I think aikido helped me tremenously in that regard (I need it like breathing. It just fixes me.). The last time I contemplated hurting myself was after I came out to my parents, and it went away quickly. Unless something drastic happens, I don't see myself getting to that point again.

Obviously I only experienced a glimpse of what you struggle with. I'm very happy that you're feeling good now. I hope college works out great for you. I hope you continue to feel okay, and if you ever need us, don't hesitate to reach out.

[sapphire2309]

Oh, darling *hugs* High school is a really tough experience for a lot of people. I'd know - I just got out c: I hope those memories weigh less now.

Hey, no. You were suffering. Suffering is all the same. You can't put a ruler to pain, it doesn't work that way. Your pain is the same as mine. Doctors can triage physical pain, but it doesn't work the same with this. (A very beautiful girl I loved once taught me that.)

I'm really glad you've found something that helps.