Suicide Awareness Day, 10th September.
Sep. 12th, 2016 12:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
s2309According to a very beautiful person on AO3, and confirmed by Sheikh Google, yesterday (day before yesterday? it's technically past midnight for me) was Suicide Awareness Day. And, since I'm in a stable enough headspace to talk about it, you get... me talking about it.
(that's a spoiler and not a cut tag because I want people with the new LJ to still be able to see the TW)
Over the past few years, I've been suicidal on and off, I've thought about killing myself on and off, I've sat on rooftops/balconies many times, I've had access to enough antidepressants to off myself and seriously contemplated taking them once.
I'm going to speak only for myself because I know very well that not everyone experiences depression the same way
What people don't seem to understand about my headspace when I'm there, on that roof, with those strips of pills in my hands, is that I am absolutely convinced that me being dead is honestly the best way forward for everyone. I know that there are people who will be hurt if I die, but I weigh that against the constant barrage of inconveniences and pain that my continued existence inflicts on them every day, and the balance tilts in favour of suicide.
What's more, it doesn't even feel like the people who are still around me will bother with caring too much. Being on the edge of suicide is horrible loneliness combined with this strange conviction that this is the right thing to do.
Yeah, it's a real mindfuck.
Today and now, I'm on medication that helps keep me okay. I'm in a stressful educational environment, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm away from my family and I don't miss them and I think they don't miss me either, but that doesn't make me sad, that's just growing up. I have a roommate, several acquaintances, excellent professors and teaching fellows, a few very kind relatives, and a therapist.
I'm okay.
It feels like a fucking miracle, let me tell you. I'm so scared I'll do something and then be forced to sit around and watch as it all crumbles, but for now, like this, I'm okay.
Let this last, god, and I might even believe in you.
Over the past few years, I've been suicidal on and off, I've thought about killing myself on and off, I've sat on rooftops/balconies many times, I've had access to enough antidepressants to off myself and seriously contemplated taking them once.
I'm going to speak only for myself because I know very well that not everyone experiences depression the same way
What people don't seem to understand about my headspace when I'm there, on that roof, with those strips of pills in my hands, is that I am absolutely convinced that me being dead is honestly the best way forward for everyone. I know that there are people who will be hurt if I die, but I weigh that against the constant barrage of inconveniences and pain that my continued existence inflicts on them every day, and the balance tilts in favour of suicide.
What's more, it doesn't even feel like the people who are still around me will bother with caring too much. Being on the edge of suicide is horrible loneliness combined with this strange conviction that this is the right thing to do.
Yeah, it's a real mindfuck.
Today and now, I'm on medication that helps keep me okay. I'm in a stressful educational environment, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm away from my family and I don't miss them and I think they don't miss me either, but that doesn't make me sad, that's just growing up. I have a roommate, several acquaintances, excellent professors and teaching fellows, a few very kind relatives, and a therapist.
I'm okay.
It feels like a fucking miracle, let me tell you. I'm so scared I'll do something and then be forced to sit around and watch as it all crumbles, but for now, like this, I'm okay.
Let this last, god, and I might even believe in you.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2016-09-12 10:23 am (UTC)I don't know what it's like to be suicidal, but I have a good friend who was. She's an elderly lady, whose husband passed away suddenly, after many years of a very happy marriage. She fell into a serious depression, and she told me several times that she can't take it anymore.
She's a doctor, and so one day she parked somewhere and overdosed on something, and that could have been the end, except that she was discovered in time. And since then she found a way to live on and she has a very fulfilling life now, though she still misses her husband.
She told me she was suffering, and I did not know how to help her, but I would have missed her terribly if she would have succeeded.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-18 09:48 pm (UTC)*hugs you tight*