Suicide Awareness Day, 10th September.
Sep. 12th, 2016 12:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
s2309According to a very beautiful person on AO3, and confirmed by Sheikh Google, yesterday (day before yesterday? it's technically past midnight for me) was Suicide Awareness Day. And, since I'm in a stable enough headspace to talk about it, you get... me talking about it.
(that's a spoiler and not a cut tag because I want people with the new LJ to still be able to see the TW)
Over the past few years, I've been suicidal on and off, I've thought about killing myself on and off, I've sat on rooftops/balconies many times, I've had access to enough antidepressants to off myself and seriously contemplated taking them once.
I'm going to speak only for myself because I know very well that not everyone experiences depression the same way
What people don't seem to understand about my headspace when I'm there, on that roof, with those strips of pills in my hands, is that I am absolutely convinced that me being dead is honestly the best way forward for everyone. I know that there are people who will be hurt if I die, but I weigh that against the constant barrage of inconveniences and pain that my continued existence inflicts on them every day, and the balance tilts in favour of suicide.
What's more, it doesn't even feel like the people who are still around me will bother with caring too much. Being on the edge of suicide is horrible loneliness combined with this strange conviction that this is the right thing to do.
Yeah, it's a real mindfuck.
Today and now, I'm on medication that helps keep me okay. I'm in a stressful educational environment, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm away from my family and I don't miss them and I think they don't miss me either, but that doesn't make me sad, that's just growing up. I have a roommate, several acquaintances, excellent professors and teaching fellows, a few very kind relatives, and a therapist.
I'm okay.
It feels like a fucking miracle, let me tell you. I'm so scared I'll do something and then be forced to sit around and watch as it all crumbles, but for now, like this, I'm okay.
Let this last, god, and I might even believe in you.
Over the past few years, I've been suicidal on and off, I've thought about killing myself on and off, I've sat on rooftops/balconies many times, I've had access to enough antidepressants to off myself and seriously contemplated taking them once.
I'm going to speak only for myself because I know very well that not everyone experiences depression the same way
What people don't seem to understand about my headspace when I'm there, on that roof, with those strips of pills in my hands, is that I am absolutely convinced that me being dead is honestly the best way forward for everyone. I know that there are people who will be hurt if I die, but I weigh that against the constant barrage of inconveniences and pain that my continued existence inflicts on them every day, and the balance tilts in favour of suicide.
What's more, it doesn't even feel like the people who are still around me will bother with caring too much. Being on the edge of suicide is horrible loneliness combined with this strange conviction that this is the right thing to do.
Yeah, it's a real mindfuck.
Today and now, I'm on medication that helps keep me okay. I'm in a stressful educational environment, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm away from my family and I don't miss them and I think they don't miss me either, but that doesn't make me sad, that's just growing up. I have a roommate, several acquaintances, excellent professors and teaching fellows, a few very kind relatives, and a therapist.
I'm okay.
It feels like a fucking miracle, let me tell you. I'm so scared I'll do something and then be forced to sit around and watch as it all crumbles, but for now, like this, I'm okay.
Let this last, god, and I might even believe in you.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2016-09-21 07:21 pm (UTC)Not the happiest I've ever been but nothing quite stops the wanting to die vibe like someone telling you that you will. I'm dealing. I'm ok.*hugs*
I'm also blunt and a little angry and blurting out that I'm dying is literally how I've been telling people. So... sorry. :(
And for your curiosity, stage 4 cancer. Manageable, not cureable, livable, not survivalable. Anyway. That's all.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-21 08:24 pm (UTC)If you ever need an ear, or a virtual hug, or anything I can give, I'm here. Honest.
You have my email ID, yes?
Also, would you like me to f-lock this entry for the sake of your privacy?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-21 09:36 pm (UTC)Don't feel the need to f-lock, I really am ok. It's not like dying gets to be a private thing. And I'd rather people know, you know?
I'm not dying yet. I don't have a timer over my head at this point or anything. It's under control as well as it can be, but it's a waiting game, there's a 100% chance of it returning and then we go from there. So yeah, it's scary. I could have another 50 years with it hanging over my head, or I could have 1. It's my path to walk and I'm taking it in stride with as much grace as I can. Somehow balancing being an optimist with being a realist.
Anyway, I'm unloading on you and you, friend, do not need that. That's why I pay my therapist. ;)
no subject
Date: 2016-09-21 10:15 pm (UTC)Yeah, that makes sense.
I was once told (and I agree) that being either optimistically realistic or pessimistically idealistic were the only two ideological standpoints that made sense from a practical perspective (Goddamned college and all the big words I'm imbibing). So, theoretically, it shouldn't be too impossible.
It's a privilege to have you unload on me, believe me. And you're probably right when you say I don't need it, but I am definitely right when I say I want to hear it. You should always have someone who can just listen.